De Ja Vu….. Junior High All Over Again…..

Just thinking…..

When I was somewhere around 12/13 (7th grade), I began to want a boyfriend. I went to country school before then. For 3 years, I was the only one in my class, so no boys there. Then my class expanded to 4: 3 girls and 1 boy. Joe was just a boy, just a friend. Definitely not boyfriend material, no zing. Just good old down to earth Joe. But in junior high, I was bussed into town, and suddenly my hormones found all these guys in 7th grade. The problem was that I didn’t know what to do. Other 7th graders had their girlfriend/boyfriend all picked out and they leaned up against their lockers staring into each other’s eyes, and he walked her to her class (and then ran to his own), and they sat together at lunch. I didn’t know how to get started on this boyfriend thing. I didn’t know how to dress very well, I was skinny/scrawny, I had crooked teeth, and my hair, oh my, my hair…..

My hair was dishwater blonde, very thick and had a determined flip in the back. I would get up in the morning, look in the mirror and hyper-ventilate. I wet the brush, pulled it through my thick mane, scotch taped the offending flip down, and went to school. Just before I got off the bus, I would remove the tape and hope that my renegade hair would behave itself. Sometimes, I would use one hand to hold down the maverick. And sometimes I used that hand to cover my mouth so no one would see my crooked teeth. And did I mention that my nose was too long……

Life was full of anxiety. Would I ever get married and have kids? Would I be destined to be the old maid? Would a boy ever want to kiss me or hold my hand? Was I so ugly that I scared everyone off? And what would I do if I ever DID catch one of those creatures? I couldn’t imagine myself talking with a boy. What would I say? Would my voice get squeaky and would I have to constantly clear my throat? I was a Prufrock before I ever knew Prufrock. My world was ending at 12, I was sure.

So my days were filled with longing and a subdued optimism. I would go to school thinking, “Maybe this will be the day. Maybe this will be the day that a boy will say something to me, look at me, know my name.” At the end of the day, I got off the bus, walked up the lane and reflected that it was NOT the day….

Fast forward. I am 60 and have been happily married for 35 years. Somehow, I learned to talk to boys. Somehow they asked me out. Somehow one particular guy caught my heart. Somehow we fashioned a wonderful life together. Somehow we increased our family and our circle of friends. Somehow God saw fit to bless us in His own timing. Life was good.

Now I feel like I am in junior high all over again. We moved out of state. Left all the friends. Started over with a new job. Searching for a new church. Reconnecting with family. We are in the right place; I am sure of God’s timing and placement. But I awake each day wondering if this will be the day that I make a friend. Will this be the day someone I nodded to at the store will ask my name? Will this be the day someone says, “Come over for coffee.”? Will this be the day the phone rings and someone wants to know how I am doing? Will I have those friends who always love me and accept me and will always be there? The ones that I can cry with and giggle with and share my hopes and fears with? The kind that likes to drop everything and do something? The ones that will get to know the real me and love me anyway? Every night, I go to bed and think, “Well, it wasn’t today.”

Don’t get me wrong. My husband is tops. My family is awesome. But having those girlfriends is mighty important. The Hubs doesn’t always get it; I think that guys and girls are wired differently on this. He knows that I like my circle of friends and that it was important to me to spend time with them, but I’m not sure that he could really explain why it was important.

Thanks to braces, my teeth are no longer crooked. I left skinny/scrawny behind long ago. But the mind-of-its-own flip is still in my thick hair, and I still don’t dress very well. Nevertheless, God has taken me beyond the superficial and has lovingly taught me the depth and maturity of friendship.

I know that being a friend takes maintainance. My dad always said that you have to be a friend to have a friend. So true. I poured energy into my friendships, and those girlfriends poured energy into me. But I have been so lonely here after the move. Nobody is mean or cruel; nobody has said bad things or shunned us. But that deep deep relationship is not there as it was at our other home. I am going to Curves and talking with the ladies there. I go to the library and smile at the front desk. I attend a ladies Bible study at a church and am forming some relationships there.

Today, though, I had hope. We were asked to have lunch with some new acquaintances. Two hours later we got up from the table, and I was so refreshed. God has started to weave a friendship for us with some wonderful people. Tonight I will go to bed and think, “It was today!”

Father, thank You for Your exquisite timing. Thank You for knowing my desire and need for friends and for loving me so much that You have begun to provide. May my friendships honor You. And I ask Your protection on all those friends that I left behind, and on all those that You intend to put into my path. Amen

To God Be The Glory….

Published in: on November 30, 2009 at 3:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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